I suppose before you read any further, I should make it clear that this is not a humourous or light-hearted blog. On the contrary, despite my resolution to use this space for frivolous reviews, I feel the need for at least one more confessional / getting-it-off-my-chest blog.
It's been over half a year now since I lost one of my best friends. I'd lost people before: mostly relatives. But I have never felt anything like this before. Before, grief had always been a sharp shock, followed by a dull ache which faded to an occasional twinge. But this? This has not faded in the slightest. This is a stabbing continual pain which never seems to go away. Sometimes I think the pain is due to something else, and sometimes it is - at least on the surface. But always, he's there. Or rather he isn't.
I feel so terrible for those who were even closer to him than I was. What right have I to continually wallow in this grief which others have much more right to than I? I hope this blog doesn't make any of them feel worse: that's the last thing I want to do. But I need to talk about it, and the anonymous nature of the Internet offers me the respite that I need. I don't do feelings - I tend to squish them down and pretend they don't exist. And I know (hello wine) that's a bad plan. Unfortunately, I am not used to any healthy ways of dealing. I feel guilty about dumping my issues on other people, even if they tell me otherwise. How do you learn not to feel like that? Recently, I ended up crying my eyes out to a very good friend (only once alcohol had demolished my barriers) but all I feel now is guilt for possibly upsetting him, rather than relief.
I think I have lost the point of this blog - I'm not sure it ever had one. But I think if I could say one thing, it would be this. Grief is unpredictable, it is unreliable and it is unexpected. One thing it is not, is unbearable. I have to believe that at least.
Ro x
I feel like I need to add that the other people I have lost didn't necessarily mean less to me - but their passing was less unexpected.
ReplyDeleteThe way I look at it is that our grief is personal and we all have an absolute right to our grief. I'm finding myself able to deal with day-to-day stuff but I then get completely floored by some completely random memory (a song with a line about dawn in reminding me of the dawns I should never have been up to watch made me blub horribly the other day) The bulk of my reply is over here on a really old blog of mine but I think I might have gone off on something of a tangent http://me-and-a-boy.blogspot.com
ReplyDeleteSome people will say "Time is a great healer" in some ways it is but in some ways its not as I have learnt this week. People have told me I am very open with my emotions but this is not entirely true. I honestly thought I was stronger and had got over a lot in the last few years til this week really hit me in way I never expected. A milestone was hit and all of it came flooding back the what ifs and what would life have been like but being me I put on the smile and carried on, okay a couple of people have been snapped at but thankfully they understand a certain young man being one of them who is old beyond his years and that makes me feel guilty all over again that one so young has been through so much and some of it is all my fault. But Helen is right we all deal with it in different ways but you know where I am pinot in hand if every you want to talk. But like you i do find just being able to right on the internet and be an anonymous can help as well.
ReplyDeleteThanks guys. It certainly seems to help, writing down exactly what I think as opposed to the self censoring we all seem to do in the day-to-day.
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