Tuesday, 25 October 2011

The nature of grief...

I suppose before you read any further, I should make it clear that this is not a humourous or light-hearted blog. On the contrary, despite my resolution to use this space for frivolous reviews, I feel the need for at least one more confessional / getting-it-off-my-chest blog.

It's been over half a year now since I lost one of my best friends. I'd lost people before: mostly relatives. But I have never felt anything like this before. Before, grief had always been a sharp shock, followed by a dull ache which faded to an occasional twinge. But this? This has not faded in the slightest. This is a stabbing continual pain which never seems to go away. Sometimes I think the pain is due to something else, and sometimes it is - at least on the surface. But always, he's there. Or rather he isn't.

I feel so terrible for those who were even closer to him than I was. What right have I to continually wallow in this grief which others have much more right to than I? I hope this blog doesn't make any of them feel worse: that's the last thing I want to do. But I need to talk about it, and the anonymous nature of the Internet offers me the respite that I need. I don't do feelings - I tend to squish them down and pretend they don't exist. And I know (hello wine) that's a bad plan. Unfortunately, I am not used to any healthy ways of dealing. I feel guilty about dumping my issues on other people, even if they tell me otherwise. How do you learn not to feel like that? Recently, I ended up crying my eyes out to a very good friend (only once alcohol had demolished my barriers) but all I feel now is guilt for possibly upsetting him, rather than relief.

I think I have lost the point of this blog - I'm not sure it ever had one. But I think if I could say one thing, it would be this. Grief is unpredictable, it is unreliable and it is unexpected. One thing it is not, is unbearable. I have to believe that at least.

Ro x